A Letter to My Future Daughter’s Best Friend


A Letter to My Future Daughter’s Best Friend, by Dan Fitzpatrick

Dear Danopticondiments,

We’ve all seen far too many of those corny missives addressed to loved one’s that either we haven’t met or don’t exist yet. Now it’s time to turn the script and write letters to individuals that we dread someday entering our lives.



I Finally Watched The First Debate, And Boy Am I Excited About This Rand Paul Character!

Hi all!

As you may have noticed from my publications page, I recently starting writing for political news site The National Memo. Yesterday, I published a fun satire piece called, “I Finally Watched The First Debate, And Boy Am I Excited About This Rand Paul Character,” which mocks a lot of the awful predictions pundits were throwing out earlier this election cycle.

As a bonus, check out the comments section, featuring the valuable insights of several readers who didn’t get the joke!

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Unlikely Animal Friendships That Will Make You Go “Yum!”

Dear Danopticon disciples,

Which do you love more: surprising animal BFFs, or deliciously paired meats? Don’t worry, you don’t need to choose!

All you need to do is check out my latest piece on Above Average, “Unlikely Animal Friendships That Will Make You Go ‘Yum!'” It will make your heart glow and your mouth water.

Enjoy, and don’t forget to check out for other hilarious videos and articles.

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Steve Miller Writes a Cover Letter


More funny stuff from me on another website! Splitsider was kind enough to publish a strange little thing I wrote called “Steve Miller Writes a Cover Letter,” in which the aforementioned rocker applies for a job using some of his most famous lyrics.

“I’m a picker, I’m a grinner, I’m a lover, and I understand the necessity of synergy in today’s commercial climate.”

Check it out!

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Saving the Most Stuff When Your House Burns Down

Hello my fellow Danopticonians,

I posted another funny piece on Above Average, this time giving you some fire safety tips that you may not be familiar with:

“Don’t bother checking in on any pets or children. They’re likely busy gathering possessions of their own, and interrupting them would only waste everybody’s time.”

Thanks for reading, and I promise to return soon with real (shitty) blog content, and not just links to other websites.

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War on Christmas: Why Don’t Bibles Say ‘Merry Christmas’ Anymore?

Hey, Danopticon readers! I recently published a funny piece on Above Average called “War on Christmas: Why Don’t Bibles Say ‘Merry Christmas’ Anymore?”

“I visited my local bookstore, purchased a fresh copy of the Bible, and found not a single gleeful exclamation of “Merry Christmas” in print.”

Please check it out and share with your friends! And be sure to check out other hilarious videos and articles at!

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Hot off the Press: Dan Fitzpatrick and the Craft of Comedy

Hot off the Press: Dan Fitzpatrick and the Craft of Comedy

This past week, The Harvard Crimson featured me in a piece about the creative process of stand-up comedy. It’s a great read for anyone interested in stand-up, college comedy, or, god forbid, my personal exploits.

If you’re not into the whole reading thing, the article also has a bunch of colorful photos that you can look at. Maybe some that are nice enough to be framed and hung in your foyer, right above that bowl of stinky potpourri.


Crimson Dan

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Like the official Danopticon Facebook page!

Like the official Danopticon Facebook page!

Much like that patch of mold in your basement, The Danopticon is spreading through the vast network of the world wide web at an alarming rate. So, if you do the whole social media thing, please like our official page on Facebook for the latest posts and updates, which you could only get so soon if you were to constantly refresh this page. Take your pick.

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r/standupshots Success!

r/standupshots Success!

Attention redditors! About two weeks ago, I submitted a joke to the subreddit standupshots to great success. Despite not reaching the coveted top spot, I hung around the front page for a couple days and got a net 306 upvotes, as of the time of this post.

Check out my submission through the above link. Remember to check back often for more news and fantastic blogging.

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Change New England’s Team Name from “Patriots” to “Clam Chowder”

Change New England’s Team Name from “Patriots” to “Clam Chowder”

Activists of the internet, assemble! I need your help to support this important cause. Please sign my petition on through the attached link. Here’s the message behind our crusade:

These days, we hear a lot of talk about inappropriate NFL team names. The Washington Redskins are the focal point of this controversy, with “redskin” being a pejorative term for a Native American person. Many people argue that it should be changed to a less derogative moniker. In all likelihood, this change would result in a shift from a potentially offensive name to an average, satisfactory one. It could certainly be a victory. But is it the biggest victory we can attain?

If you’re like me, then you think that great is better than good. That’s why we need to focus on turning an average NFL team name into a legendary one. For this purpose, I’ve determined that the Patriots should change their name to “Clam Chowder,” thus fulfilling their destiny as the epic football organization of the New England Clam Chowder.

Let’s get one thing straight. I’m not even a New England fan–but I could be. I could be if Tom Brady started throwing fourth quarter touchdown passes in a uniform featuring three different shades of off-white. I could be if Gillette Stadium replaced their fireworks with clouds of oyster crackers after each big win. I could be if the New England cheerleaders ran out onto the field every Sunday slathered in a delicious cream-based broth from head to toe.

For anyone worth their salt, New England Clam Chowder is in the top four soups. Chowder wins the hearts and minds of the people. Patriots waste perfectly good tea and stand in a straight line waiting to get shot. It’s not even a hard choice.

Do the right thing. Do it for the chowder.

Thanks for your help!


clam chowder

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