Does the 1% Dare to Spend a Night in Count Bernardo Sanders’ House of Horrors!?

count bernardo

Wanna hear a scary story? We live in a country where the top one-tenth of the 1% has almost as much wealth as the bottom 90%. Making matters worse, the children of the ultra-rich are poised to inherit all of their parents’ money. We simply cannot allow this process to continue, unless those kids manage to stay in a spooky mansion for a whole night.

You know the deal, Trump Jr. Make it till dawn in the haunted house without running off or winding up dead, and you win the family jewels. Otherwise, you walk away with jack squat.

Trust me, this is the only solution. I did the math; I did the monster math. That’s why I built Count Bernardo’s House of Horrors. It’s the one reform measure guaranteed to give everyone a fair shake and make your hair stand on end. And I should know a thing or two about that—just ask my barber!

Sure, maybe this sounds like a cinch at first. But just wait until you’re shacked up with cobwebbed candelabras, eerie organ music, and a bunch of portraits whose eyes move all by themselves! There will also be tons of hidden trapdoors, symbolic of the countless pitfalls braved by the middle class every day. But they’ll be literal trapdoors too, probably leading to the cellar or something. You get the idea.

If you’re really unlucky, a gaggle of ghastly ghouls will pop out from the woodwork and bury you alive. In college debt, that is. Frightened yet?

Even if those trust fund brats aren’t rattled by all the spooks and scares, let’s see how they handle the lack of sleep! If it was me, I would just drink a little bit of nighttime cold medicine before bedtime. Knocks you right out! However, this mansion only has dusty goblets filled with a red goo that makes you see apparitions of Ronald Reagan and deny the existence of climate change.

Of course, other candidates may propose similar plans, except they’re all in cahoots with Wall Street bankers. Secretary Clinton, for example, just opened up Killary’s Clin-tomb’s Night of Frights. Sure, it’s got plenty of CGI effects, celebrity cameos, and a full raw bar, but it’s also financed completely by Goldman-Sachs. My haunted house, on the other hand, was funded by handfuls of loose change from everyday voters, just like you. It’s amazing what you can do with an old tool shed and a few strips of paper mâché.

Anyway, I better hit the road. I’ve got to catch a bus back to Montpelier. Our local joke shop is having a sale on vampire fangs. If I don’t get them by tomorrow, they’ll become possessed—by a bloated hedge fund!

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Unlikely Animal Friendships That Will Make You Go “Yum!”

https://aboveaverage.com/unlikely-animal-friendships-that-will-make-you-go-yum/

Dear Danopticon disciples,

Which do you love more: surprising animal BFFs, or deliciously paired meats? Don’t worry, you don’t need to choose!

All you need to do is check out my latest piece on Above Average, “Unlikely Animal Friendships That Will Make You Go ‘Yum!'” It will make your heart glow and your mouth water.

Enjoy, and don’t forget to check out aboveaverage.com for other hilarious videos and articles.

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When the GOP and Science Work Together

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Chris Christie and Carly Fiorina both dropped out today, proving Galileo’s theory that heavy and light objects fall at the same speed.

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Ammon Bundy’s Super Awesome Tips for the Best Sleepover Ever

Bundy sleeping bag

Hi, I’m Ammon. You’ve probably heard about me, on account of me and my friends throwing the coolest sleepover of all time. Jealous, buttface? Well don’t sweat it, because you too can be a radical dude who doesn’t answer to anyone—especially parents.

  • Instead of using a crummy old basement, make a sweet fort! Simply drape a blanket across some couch cushions, or take over a federal building in Oregon.
  • As long as you’ve still got your cowboy hat on, you can change into your footsie pajamas and not get called a little baby.
  • Once it’s dark out, pass around a photo of a pretty lady in a bathing suit. Talk about how much action you’d get if the government wasn’t always in the way.
  • Everybody gets a little bit homesick sometimes, so it’s okay to sleep holding a teddy bear or assault rifle.
  • Have mom pack lots of extra snacks. VERY IMPORTANT!!!
  • I like to bring along my dad’s lighter to play with, and maybe set a pile of leaves on fire. It’s my property, so I can do whatever I want with it!
  • Lamewad neighbors might try to get you to go to sleep around 11:30, but the Constitution says you can stay up later if you want to.
  • Don’t tread on my sleeping bag.
  • Make sure everyone’s parents are there to pick up their kids and their guns the next morning, and nobody will go to jail.
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Steve Miller Writes a Cover Letter

smb

http://splitsider.com/2015/12/steve-miller-writes-a-cover-letter-by-dan-fitzpatrick/

More funny stuff from me on another website! Splitsider was kind enough to publish a strange little thing I wrote called “Steve Miller Writes a Cover Letter,” in which the aforementioned rocker applies for a job using some of his most famous lyrics.

“I’m a picker, I’m a grinner, I’m a lover, and I understand the necessity of synergy in today’s commercial climate.”

Check it out!

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12 Things You Only Understand If You’re Dating a Gangster from the 1920s

gangster0

Cuz you know how it is…

  1. That moment of panic when he comes home with lipstick on his collar, and the wave of relief when it turns out to just be the blood of a squealer.gangster1

  2. The mystery of how he’s always able to have a lit cigar in his mouth, even when he’s sleeping or in the shower.gangster2

  3. You beg him for months to see that new rom-com in theaters, but once he finally says yes, he gets sentenced to five years in prison.gangster3

  4. He makes you hide a flask in your garter when you go out, since he doesn’t believe restaurants can legally serve alcohol.gangster4

  5. When you wear a tight-fitting dress, and he shouts out, “Boy oh boy, get a load of them gams!”gangster 5

  6. The weekly ritual of bae hiding in the closet while you lie to the police about his whereabouts.          gangster6

  7. How grumpy he gets when you tell him that your first-born is a girl, and not a boy like you promised.gangster7

  8. That time you gave him an iPhone for his birthday, and he just stared at it and said, “I do not know what this is.”                                 gangster8

  9. Right as you’re about to go shopping, your ride gets blown up by a car bomb.gangster9

  10. The judgmental looks you get from so-called “friends” who question why you’re dating someone born in the nineteenth century.gangster10

  11. Having to put up with bloody murders of rival mob bosses on every religious holiday (really, Gino, can’t we have one Pentecost without the garrote wire?).                    gangster11

  12. How, despite all the little problems and literal impossibility of your relationship, you love him no matter what.gangster12

 

(All GIFS courtesy of GIPHY)
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Saving the Most Stuff When Your House Burns Down

http://aboveaverage.com/saving-the-most-stuff-when-your-house-burns-down/

Hello my fellow Danopticonians,

I posted another funny piece on Above Average, this time giving you some fire safety tips that you may not be familiar with:

“Don’t bother checking in on any pets or children. They’re likely busy gathering possessions of their own, and interrupting them would only waste everybody’s time.”

Thanks for reading, and I promise to return soon with real (shitty) blog content, and not just links to other websites.

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War on Christmas: Why Don’t Bibles Say ‘Merry Christmas’ Anymore?

http://aboveaverage.com/war-on-christmas-why-dont-bibles-say-merry-christmas-anymore/

Hey, Danopticon readers! I recently published a funny piece on Above Average called “War on Christmas: Why Don’t Bibles Say ‘Merry Christmas’ Anymore?”

“I visited my local bookstore, purchased a fresh copy of the Bible, and found not a single gleeful exclamation of “Merry Christmas” in print.”

Please check it out and share with your friends! And be sure to check out other hilarious videos and articles at aboveaverage.com!

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Official NRA Stocking Stuffers for Your Favorite 2nd Amendment Nut!

christmas gun

It’s that time of year again: presents are getting wrapped, lights are going up, and mass shootings are at an all-time high! But don’t let that get you down, firearm enthusiasts. Here are six nifty gifts guaranteed to protect your Second Amendment rights and indirectly fund the continuing gun violence in our great country.

Remember, these are all actual items available at nrastore.com.

Firearms Record Book

firearms book.jpg

If you’re any half-decent marksman, chances are you have a hard time remember just how many weapons you own and how many bad guys you’ve shot. Keep track of your Constitutional defenses with this handy, leather-bound record book. $49.95

7.62 Keychain Bottle Opener

bullet bottle opener

The flash of the muzzle, the screams of your victims–oh God, it’s all coming back to you. What better way to clear away the guilt than with a cool six-pack, opened up with a keychain made from a military-grade cartridge? Nice try, memories. $16.95

Traveler’s Guide to the Firearm Laws of the 50 States

firearm law book

We know, most NRA diehards aren’t too big on “books” or “reading,” but this here is an exception. Featuring easy-to-read print and a portable design, this guide will let you know precisely where and how you can irresponsibly take justice into your own hands. $9.95

Door Stop Alarm

door stop alarm

Any day now, the government is going to burst into your home and try to take your guns. You can feel it in your bones. Get a jump on the bastards with this handy door alarm, whose “ear-piercing 120 decibel” screech will have you thinking, “This is what the Founding Fathers wanted.” $13.95

Minuteman Concealment Mantle Clock

gun clock

Ever think to yourself, “Gee, I like my clock, but I sure do wish it could carry a gun?” With this unique timepiece, your worries are at an end. It’s the mullet of clocks–all business in the front, and packing heat in the back. Plus, kids will hardly be able to keep their hands off it! $49.95

Daisy Model 1938 Red Ryder BB Gun Kit

bb gun

Do you have a special someone who loves both guns and the 1983 film A Christmas Story? Reward them with this authentic kit that completely ignores the ending of the movie, in which Ralphie does indeed shoot himself.

But you know whose eye won’t get shot out with this gun? Lady Liberty, that’s who! $39.95

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Product Placement in Classic Literature

Amazon Hester

The Odyssey by Homer

The Cyclops clawed at its face in a mad rage.

‘My eyes, they burn and itch with the fury of Hades

What is the name of the villain who has stolen my Visine drops?’

Brave Odysseus shouted from his ship:

‘Nobody is my name. Nobody has stolen your Visine!”

 

 

The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne

A throng of women averted their gaze as the wicked Hester Prynne walked by, her frock emblazoned with a large ‘A’ to signify her submission to Amazon’s incredibly low prices.

 

 

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

‘I long yearned to gain the acceptance of man, but these hopes fell to pieces when I espied a selfie taken on my iPhone 6s. Each pixel displayed my hideous visage in such striking detail that I realized I would never know any normal life. I fled deep into the woods, yet even there I could not escape an impeccable mobile signal.’

 

 

The Old Man and The Sea by Ernest Hemingway

The sharks tore away the rest of the fish. The old man hung his head low, for he had nothing left to eat. Then he found a Smuckers Uncrustable. It was good.

 

 

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov

When pressed to explain the wondrous allure of a nymphet, I always compare her to a chilled can of Coors Light—not yet out of the fridge long enough to become warm, the thin aluminum squeezes between my fingers, its nubile tab popped open just far enough to let the sweet nectar flow into my soul.

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