A Sneak Peak at 2016’s Hottest New Broadway Shows



This is guaranteed to be the show that none of your friends will be able to get tickets for—because nobody is allowed to see it. With music, lyrics, and book by a crotchety old hermit known only as Greasy Steve, Anthropophobia is the hottest recluse since Bobby Fischer. Best of all, since no one knows what it is about, Anthropophobia is age appropriate for the whole family. Just try not to get too close to the theater, or Steve will pelt you with glass shards.



A unique twist on the popular jukebox musical format, Tubthumping celebrates the inspired sound of Chumbawamba by performing their one hit over and over again. You’ll hear the title song so many times: sped up, slowed down, and even a reggae version!

And did we mention that the musical is for some reason set during The Great Depression?



Taking a cue from critical and commercial smash Hamilton, this musical tells the story of U.S. President William Henry Harrison. Its revolutionary shortened format reflects the life of Old Tippecanoe, a poorly remembered leader who died after barely a month in office. According to early reviews, Harrison is so fantastic, that few will even mind shelling out hundreds of dollars to see show that lasts for sixteen minutes.

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I Finally Watched The First Debate, And Boy Am I Excited About This Rand Paul Character!


Hi all!

As you may have noticed from my publications page, I recently starting writing for political news site The National Memo. Yesterday, I published a fun satire piece called, “I Finally Watched The First Debate, And Boy Am I Excited About This Rand Paul Character,” which mocks a lot of the awful predictions pundits were throwing out earlier this election cycle.

As a bonus, check out the comments section, featuring the valuable insights of several readers who didn’t get the joke!

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Does the 1% Dare to Spend a Night in Count Bernardo Sanders’ House of Horrors!?

count bernardo

Wanna hear a scary story? We live in a country where the top one-tenth of the 1% has almost as much wealth as the bottom 90%. Making matters worse, the children of the ultra-rich are poised to inherit all of their parents’ money. We simply cannot allow this process to continue, unless those kids manage to stay in a spooky mansion for a whole night.

You know the deal, Trump Jr. Make it till dawn in the haunted house without running off or winding up dead, and you win the family jewels. Otherwise, you walk away with jack squat.

Trust me, this is the only solution. I did the math; I did the monster math. That’s why I built Count Bernardo’s House of Horrors. It’s the one reform measure guaranteed to give everyone a fair shake and make your hair stand on end. And I should know a thing or two about that—just ask my barber!

Sure, maybe this sounds like a cinch at first. But just wait until you’re shacked up with cobwebbed candelabras, eerie organ music, and a bunch of portraits whose eyes move all by themselves! There will also be tons of hidden trapdoors, symbolic of the countless pitfalls braved by the middle class every day. But they’ll be literal trapdoors too, probably leading to the cellar or something. You get the idea.

If you’re really unlucky, a gaggle of ghastly ghouls will pop out from the woodwork and bury you alive. In college debt, that is. Frightened yet?

Even if those trust fund brats aren’t rattled by all the spooks and scares, let’s see how they handle the lack of sleep! If it was me, I would just drink a little bit of nighttime cold medicine before bedtime. Knocks you right out! However, this mansion only has dusty goblets filled with a red goo that makes you see apparitions of Ronald Reagan and deny the existence of climate change.

Of course, other candidates may propose similar plans, except they’re all in cahoots with Wall Street bankers. Secretary Clinton, for example, just opened up Killary’s Clin-tomb’s Night of Frights. Sure, it’s got plenty of CGI effects, celebrity cameos, and a full raw bar, but it’s also financed completely by Goldman-Sachs. My haunted house, on the other hand, was funded by handfuls of loose change from everyday voters, just like you. It’s amazing what you can do with an old tool shed and a few strips of paper mâché.

Anyway, I better hit the road. I’ve got to catch a bus back to Montpelier. Our local joke shop is having a sale on vampire fangs. If I don’t get them by tomorrow, they’ll become possessed—by a bloated hedge fund!

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Unlikely Animal Friendships That Will Make You Go “Yum!”


Dear Danopticon disciples,

Which do you love more: surprising animal BFFs, or deliciously paired meats? Don’t worry, you don’t need to choose!

All you need to do is check out my latest piece on Above Average, “Unlikely Animal Friendships That Will Make You Go ‘Yum!'” It will make your heart glow and your mouth water.

Enjoy, and don’t forget to check out aboveaverage.com for other hilarious videos and articles.

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When the GOP and Science Work Together


Chris Christie and Carly Fiorina both dropped out today, proving Galileo’s theory that heavy and light objects fall at the same speed.

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Ammon Bundy’s Super Awesome Tips for the Best Sleepover Ever

Bundy sleeping bag

Hi, I’m Ammon. You’ve probably heard about me, on account of me and my friends throwing the coolest sleepover of all time. Jealous, buttface? Well don’t sweat it, because you too can be a radical dude who doesn’t answer to anyone—especially parents.

  • Instead of using a crummy old basement, make a sweet fort! Simply drape a blanket across some couch cushions, or take over a federal building in Oregon.
  • As long as you’ve still got your cowboy hat on, you can change into your footsie pajamas and not get called a little baby.
  • Once it’s dark out, pass around a photo of a pretty lady in a bathing suit. Talk about how much action you’d get if the government wasn’t always in the way.
  • Everybody gets a little bit homesick sometimes, so it’s okay to sleep holding a teddy bear or assault rifle.
  • Have mom pack lots of extra snacks. VERY IMPORTANT!!!
  • I like to bring along my dad’s lighter to play with, and maybe set a pile of leaves on fire. It’s my property, so I can do whatever I want with it!
  • Lamewad neighbors might try to get you to go to sleep around 11:30, but the Constitution says you can stay up later if you want to.
  • Don’t tread on my sleeping bag.
  • Make sure everyone’s parents are there to pick up their kids and their guns the next morning, and nobody will go to jail.
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Steve Miller Writes a Cover Letter



More funny stuff from me on another website! Splitsider was kind enough to publish a strange little thing I wrote called “Steve Miller Writes a Cover Letter,” in which the aforementioned rocker applies for a job using some of his most famous lyrics.

“I’m a picker, I’m a grinner, I’m a lover, and I understand the necessity of synergy in today’s commercial climate.”

Check it out!

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12 Things You Only Understand If You’re Dating a Gangster from the 1920s


Cuz you know how it is…

  1. That moment of panic when he comes home with lipstick on his collar, and the wave of relief when it turns out to just be the blood of a squealer.gangster1

  2. The mystery of how he’s always able to have a lit cigar in his mouth, even when he’s sleeping or in the shower.gangster2

  3. You beg him for months to see that new rom-com in theaters, but once he finally says yes, he gets sentenced to five years in prison.gangster3

  4. He makes you hide a flask in your garter when you go out, since he doesn’t believe restaurants can legally serve alcohol.gangster4

  5. When you wear a tight-fitting dress, and he shouts out, “Boy oh boy, get a load of them gams!”gangster 5

  6. The weekly ritual of bae hiding in the closet while you lie to the police about his whereabouts.          gangster6

  7. How grumpy he gets when you tell him that your first-born is a girl, and not a boy like you promised.gangster7

  8. That time you gave him an iPhone for his birthday, and he just stared at it and said, “I do not know what this is.”                                 gangster8

  9. Right as you’re about to go shopping, your ride gets blown up by a car bomb.gangster9

  10. The judgmental looks you get from so-called “friends” who question why you’re dating someone born in the nineteenth century.gangster10

  11. Having to put up with bloody murders of rival mob bosses on every religious holiday (really, Gino, can’t we have one Pentecost without the garrote wire?).                    gangster11

  12. How, despite all the little problems and literal impossibility of your relationship, you love him no matter what.gangster12


(All GIFS courtesy of GIPHY)
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Saving the Most Stuff When Your House Burns Down


Hello my fellow Danopticonians,

I posted another funny piece on Above Average, this time giving you some fire safety tips that you may not be familiar with:

“Don’t bother checking in on any pets or children. They’re likely busy gathering possessions of their own, and interrupting them would only waste everybody’s time.”

Thanks for reading, and I promise to return soon with real (shitty) blog content, and not just links to other websites.

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War on Christmas: Why Don’t Bibles Say ‘Merry Christmas’ Anymore?


Hey, Danopticon readers! I recently published a funny piece on Above Average called “War on Christmas: Why Don’t Bibles Say ‘Merry Christmas’ Anymore?”

“I visited my local bookstore, purchased a fresh copy of the Bible, and found not a single gleeful exclamation of “Merry Christmas” in print.”

Please check it out and share with your friends! And be sure to check out other hilarious videos and articles at aboveaverage.com!

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