1 Repent, for the latest fashion season is at hand!
2 If you are molded in the image of the LORD, as was Adam in Eden, surely you must look better than that. 3 Cast aside thy male rompers, thy Crocs, thy Canadian tuxedos. But nay, do not despair. 4 Whether thou art a sloppy Sadducee or just some beggar from Galilee, there still remains hope for you to enter the kingdom of style. Follow my divine example and be saved!
Hair Belly Shirt
5 I know thy torment, brothers and sisters. Ye search the market in vain for a garment that will atone for your sins, while also showing off a little bit of skin. But to no avail! 6 Let it be said that the LORD helps those who help themselves, and He hath provided the answer upon the scalp of every one of His creatures. 7 Shear the fibers from thy head, do weave them into a tunic that halts just short of the midriff, and allow others to behold your piety. 8 He who follows this rule will be known by the hot singles down by the well as a Good Samaritan-out-of-ten!
Dark Tan of the Soul
9 Beware the man among us with flesh of a pallid hue, for it is a sign that he has not left his home to be cleansed in the river or go on any coffee dates. Go, pale wretch, into the desert and right this wrong! 10 Ye must lie out in the blistering sand until your throat chokes with thirst, your cracked lips bleed, and your maddened sight envisions all a manner of hideous beasts and demons clawing at your heart. 11 Only then will your bronzed soul be allowed to bathe in the waters of Canaan without having to wear an oversized t-shirt.
12 Follow not the model of Caesar, for a clean-shaven face is so 100 B.C. 13 The trendy man shall sport not a lowly goatee or dreaded soul patch, but a manly beard all knotted and matted together with bits of honey and locust from last night’s supper. 14 And let the whiskers also be grown out to a length where it may be tucked into thine leather belt all around the body, as to better protect one against the constant onslaught of all those bees and locusts.
Slimming Walking Stick
15 The path to glamour is not an easy one, but who among us ever claimed it would be so? At times it may seem that no amount of fasting and reflection can achieve the righteous hourglass figure. 16 But fear not, for there is a way. I command ye, go out into creation and cut down the strongest stalk of wood you may find. 17 Carve it down to a shape that you may lean on, as Moses did atop Sinai, and perhaps decorate it with some sequins. 18 That vertical accessory will draw attention away from thine unkempt thighs and lead to many a flattering compliment from the LORD.
Facial and Entire Body Mud Mask
19 Listen unto me: the waters of the river Jordan will verily cleanse your soul, but heavens above, will they do a number on your dry skin. 20 Heed this Good News. The mud on the nearby riverbank doth overrun with enriching nutrients and minerals. 21 Simply apply a most thick layer upon the face, torso, and limbs, and let it harden over the course of many a year. 22 Be not burdened by this task, faithful servant. If the inn and the temple should turn you away for your sullied appearance, remind them of the Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not hate me because I am beautiful. 23 By the providence of the LORD the mask shall one day peel off, and then behold! Ye have a complexion fit to be served on a silver platter.
24 Thou hast done it! Look upon thy foxy self and be pleased. 25 But act not eternally satisfied with my style tips alone, brothers and sisters, for there cometh one more fabulous than I.